My dearest brothers and sisters,
This is Tunia speaking. I love you very much.
Here are seven emotional blind spots that people may have:
1: Repression & Numbing
Here people don’t feel their emotions at all, and instead repress them.
This is the person who distracts themselves from their feelings. They may:
- over-intellectualize
- or keep themselves really busy, either with work or with fun external activities
- or use food or drugs or television to numb themselves
- or focus on how bad / unadvanced others are (possibly with some faux intellectual, moral or spiritual justification).
This is the person who rationally perfectly understands why their youth was painful, but who never sat down and deeply felt their pain and loneliness, and let it all in. This person thinks they’ve dealt with their pain because they rationally understand it, but in reality they’re still emotionally repressed.
Someone who engages in emotional repression might launder that as valuing stoicism. However real stoics still feel their emotions first, which the quasi-stoic emotional repressor doesn’t do.
2: Surface-Level Skating
Here people feel their emotions, but they only feel the top-most layer. They don’t ask / observe / investigate what’s underneath that.
This is the person who feels a desire to buy a sports car, but fails to see the desire to be loved and seen underneath. (That said, sometimes there’s no psychological wound underneath, and a desire for a sports car is just a desire for a sports car.)
This is the person who thinks their emotional problems will be (largely) solved if they move to a new location, without having a clear fact-based reason why (I want to move in with my partner, I found a great job in that city, etc).
This is the person who feels anger, but fails to see their own fear or pain underneath that.
This is the person who overreacts and fails to see that this was caused by unresolved past pain.
This is the person who feels the top-level emotional pain, who may have gone to therapy and read self-help books, but he or she still fails to identify the root cause.
By just asking what’s underneath the emotions you’re feeling, you may come to a deeper layer. It’s not reasonable to expect yourself to always feel / observe / be aware of the deeper layer, but it is good to have some process of getting closer to the core of the onion -- possibly by going to a psychologist, possibly via a habit of observation and asking what’s underneath the thing you’re feeling, etc.
Alternatively, someone only sees the surface layer of another person having flaws or making mistakes, and doesn’t see the other layer that they themselves have flaws or made mistakes too. This person may think they’re morally good and emotionally intelligent because they can spot flaws in others, when in reality they may be mistreating others without even being aware of that.
If you read the previous paragraph and thought of how it applied to others, and you didn’t take a second to think whether it might apply to you, then it very well may apply to you.
Conversely, a good sign that you’re not doing “surface level skating” is if you’re willing to admit mistakes and flaws in yourself -- but even then, there’s a trap where you admit to a tiny flaw so that you can feel virtuous and self-reflective, while refusing to face a large, painful, socially unacceptable flaw in yourself.
And again, if you immediately thought of how others admit tiny mistakes while refusing to see large mistakes, and if you didn’t take a moment to think whether this applies to you -- then it very well may apply to you.
3: Thinking emotions are proof
Here people think that things they emotionally like are true and good, and things they emotionally dislike are false and bad. And sure, sometimes they are, but other times people’s emotions simply reflect their biases and self-interest and current worldview, rather than some enlightened perspective.
Emotions should be listened to. They’re useful data. You’re half-blind without your emotions. However, your emotions can still be heavily biased. You shouldn’t blindly believe that your emotions point to truth / morality.
People know that saying “I emotionally like this, therefore it’s true / good” sounds foolish. So people often unconsciously use their rational mind to create an excuse -- they cite a source that agrees with them, or cite some moral principle, or say “it resonates with me.”
But then if you peel back the layers of the argument, they’re ignoring equally-valid sources that disagree with them; or they apply that moral principle only when it benefits them; or they don’t have the level of spiritual / moral development for “it resonates with me” to be a compelling argument.
Another version of this mistake is the person who hears something that makes them feel bad, and because of that they label the speaker as bad / evil / wrong / biased / emotionally distorted / [insert negative label] / someone who needs to apologize.
Or it’s the person who hears something that makes them feel good (even if only because it confirms their current worldview), and because of that they label the speaker as moral / virtuous / spiritually advanced / smart / wise / etc.
This emotional blind spot contributes to many people feeling that everyone on their political side is moral and smart, and everyone on the other political side is dumb, brainwashed, selfish or evil.
This “my emotions are proof” bias can be worsened if that person is in a group with others who think like them and who also have the “my emotions are proof” bias. This way, there’s always someone else to emotionally validate that they really are a good person and the outsider really is an evil person, even if the outsider is actually right.
Alternatively, this is the person who is dating someone else, feels over the moon during the honeymoon dating phase and completely seriously starts making plans to marry or buy a house with a person they still barely know. Or they declare that the other person is their twin flame. After all, they feel amazing right now so that proves that their partner is amazing / perfectly compatible, right?
And then if their partner disappoints them, they may go from “let’s buy a house together” to “I’m dumping you” in a shockingly short period of time. Because right now their partner makes them feel bad so that proves that the partner is bad, right?
Alternatively, this is the person who feels anxious about starting a big scary project, and who interprets that emotion as proof that they shouldn’t start yet. Which may lead to that person never getting started.
4: Defining your identity through temporary emotions
Here people think that the emotion they’re currently feeling defines who they are.
This is the person who experiences a setback (or even just physical exhaustion) and corresponding negative emotions, and who thinks that means they’re incapable, or they’re inherently bad at that thing, or they’re inherently a failure. Rather than realizing that most successful people have failed several times, and that even skills that don’t come naturally to you can still be learned.
This is the person who experiences anxiety and thinks “I am inherently a weak and anxious person, and I will always be anxious” rather than the healthier “I am experiencing anxiety right now” or even “there is anxiety.”
Don’t believe everything you think -- and don’t believe everything you feel. Or at least, don’t believe that stray thoughts or emotions you have automatically mean that you inherently are that thing. Instead, when something arises in you, just observe it first.
If someone thinks “I am experiencing jealousy right now” or “there is jealousy right now”, that probably feels emotionally manageable.
However if the person identifies with temporary emotions, then that means that they’re instead thinking “I am jealous.” And people hate feeling like a bad person, so a person is unlikely to think “I am jealous.” Instead they’re more likely to think: “That other person is bad, because of [reason I invented], or because I just know it / sense it.”
5: Inability to handle others disapproval
Here people can’t emotionally handle it when others dislike them or disagree with them or disapprove of them.
This is the conformist who doesn’t think for themselves and holds 100% socially approved views (and probably virtue signals) just because that’s comfortable. Or this is the doormat partner who always apologizes if their partner is upset. Or this is the over-aggressive contrarian who decides to reject the whole world before anyone can reject him or her.
The social conformist, the doormat partner and the over-aggressive contrarian might sound like completely different people, but those behaviors may have the same root: the person can’t emotionally handle it if others disapprove of them.
Ideally, your sense of self worth is a stool that rests on enough legs so that if others disapprove of you, you still have enough legs left that your self worth doesn’t fall to the floor. (Or if your sense of self-worth can levitate and doesn’t need legs at all, great, but that’s rare.) A sense of self worth that’s on the floor may lead to people not asking for enough space for themselves, or it may lead to narcissistic overcompensatory behavior.
If you cannot handle other people’s disapproval, you cannot be authentic.
6: “You can’t have negative emotions”
Here people are excessively attached to other people not having “negative” emotions.
This is the person who refuses to have that necessary but painful conversation, because it would hurt the other person in the short term.
This is the person who tries to distract or cheer up the sad person, or immediately jumps to fixing their problems, rather than just sitting with them and letting them experience their emotions.
This is the person who believes they’re being helpful, but really they’re trying to fix their own emotional discomfort by trying to get that other person to stop crying.
This is the person who offers unsolicited advice when it’s clearly not welcome, just because they can’t handle seeing that other person in pain.
This is the psychologist who tries to fix symptoms, or teach socially acceptable behavior, rather than really going to the root of the pain or the root of the problem.
This is the person who cannot handle the slow, messy timeline of someone else’s recovery, and therefore labels that person’s healing process as excessive. While performative healing does exist, it is far more common for people to not spend enough time on their healing process. Trauma healing really can take a decade or more.
7: “You’re responsible for my emotions”
Here people think that someone else (typically their partner, but possibly their parents or employees) is responsible for their emotional well-being -- beyond the normal necessity for them to be a decent partner / parent / employee.
This is the person who, when they feel bored or stressed, expects their partner to cheer them up, entertain them or make them feel better.
Or this is the anxious boss who expects their employees to over-work to fix the problem.
You can see how these blind spots lead to stereotypical relationship misunderstandings:
The woman feels unfulfilled / anxious and wants her boyfriend to make her feel better (blind spot 7)
=> The boyfriend can’t emotionally handle that she’s feeling bad (blind spot 6). He either goes to excessive lengths to please her and “fix” everything (which usually damages the relationship in the long term), or he withdraws and numbs himself (blind spot 1).
=> The woman sees that he’s withdrawing, feels emotionally even worse and interprets that as proof that he’s a bad partner (blind spot 3). The woman only feels her surface-level emotions (blind spot 2) and fails to realize that her part in this was her attitude at the start that he’s supposed to make her happy. She probably just thinks that he’s avoidant, emotionally unavailable, stonewalling, etc.
=> The boyfriend is emotionally unable to handle his girlfriend’s disapproval (blind spot 5), which makes his “fix everything” or withdrawal behavior worse.
=> The relationship ends, and the now ex-boyfriend tells himself that this proves that he will forever be alone (blind spot 4).
The woman thinks: “I was open and communicative, but he was just emotionally unavailable, like so many men. It’s his fault.”
The man thinks: “I was the perfect boyfriend, but she’s just inherently unhappy and impossible to satisfy, like so many women. It’s her fault.”
Now let’s see what happens if either of the partners practices radical self-observation.
The woman feels anxious or unfulfilled. She doesn’t immediately point the finger outward: “my boyfriend needs to make me feel better” or “should I find another boyfriend who makes me happier?” or “we need to go on a fun weekend trip to cheer me up.”
Instead she might say to her boyfriend: “Hey, I’m feeling really anxious and unfulfilled today, and my brain keeps trying to blame you for it. But I know that’s not fair. I need to sit with myself and figure out what’s actually going on inside me—maybe I need to pick up a hobby or start doing yoga or something. I don’t need you to fix it, but right now, could we just cuddle for a bit?”
The “could we just cuddle for a bit” part also gives him a concrete and doable task, which typically redirects the boyfriend’s brain from “fix everything / withdraw” mode to “do that thing and then feel secure” mode. Sure, in an ideal world that wouldn’t be necessary, but most people -- men and women -- aren’t perfect.
Alternatively, if the man looks inwards, he sees that while he should be a good partner and put in a reasonable effort, her emotions and happiness are still her responsibility. He should face his own discomfort at her possible anxiety or unsatisfiedness, and not automatically enter “fix everything” or withdraw mode. That way he can just sit with her: “I’m sorry you’re feeling unfulfilled today, that really sucks.”
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So. These were seven emotional blind spots that people may have, or may temporarily get into when under stress.
They can be addressed. They’re not permanent character flaws.
Awareness is the first step.
In all seven cases, it helps to have a habit of radical self-observation. By pausing to observe whatever arises within you—and routinely asking what lies beneath the surface—you can dismantle these blind spots, rather than being led around by them.
In addition to self-observation, practically improving your life and meeting your needs also helps. When you feel secure and satisfied externally, you’ll have less need to be emotionally reactive, or employ one of these emotional survival strategies. That said, even people with a seemingly perfect life can fall into these traps. Fixing the external world isn’t a substitute for looking inside.
With all my love,
This was your star sister,
