Source
Participant: I would like to go deeper into my childhood. Since my early years I remember my mother as a heavy drinker. I have a conflict with her but she wants to come live with me. I do not want that. She requires elderly care. I spend so much time arguing with and taking care of her. I have chosen to avoid most people these days. None of the people around me get what is happening with me. I have gone in a totally different direction than I previously had and from that in which others are going.
What is your current direction?
Participant: A self-knowing direction.
Knowing the truth about yourself?
Participant: Yes, my friends and relatives don’t want to go in the same direction. They don’t understand what’s happening with me. But I choose this for myself. I don’t want to share anything with my mother because she doesn’t understand. I have moved to Ireland. She is going to have an operation and wants to stay with me afterwards, but I don’t want to see her or help her anymore. I have not yet communicated this to her because I don’t want to talk with her at all. She is selfish and only thinks of herself. I hate all the lies she says. She speaks one way when I am with her helping, but then says bad things about me behind my back to my sisters and other relatives.
Your commitment is to finding the truth about yourself. There is no greater tool you can use for that than understanding how projection works. This does not require the involvement of anyone else. You simply become aware of when you have judgment of another. You acknowledge that this judgment is really about yourself; it is about a part of self that you don’t want to look at or admit to. You state your willingness to look at everything now. You have said that your mother is a liar; she is not honest with you. The question now becomes one of looking at how you lie and are not honest with yourself. What are you saying to yourself that is not true? Keep looking at that. You can look at specific things you have heard that she has said about you. If you didn’t hold some of those same judgments about yourself, they would not bother you. Look for the truth there. This is not about her; it is about you. What separates you from her and from your other friends in this moment of time is your willingness to look for the truth. Whatever you see in others is the truth of you as you believe or fear it to be. Now you can take that and go to work with it yourself. If you wish to, I can work with you here now to help you realize what has been spoken about using specific ideas or thoughts that you are holding.
Participant: Yes, for sure.
Tell me a specific thing over which you are holding judgment about her.
Participant: I judge that she had many relationships with men when I was a child. I judge that she was a heavy drinker and she was beating me. She did not give me the love that I needed. She did not spend enough time with me.
Notice how the mind is working on two different sides here. On one hand she was drunk, beating you, and didn’t love you. On the other hand, she didn’t spend enough time with you. There is a confusion here. Why would you desire someone to spend more time with you who didn’t love you, and was drunk and was beating you? Perhaps separation from all of that might be welcomed. Maybe somewhere in your thoughts was the belief that you deserved the punishment, and that you weren’t worthy of her love. Here are two issues to look at deeply. These are beliefs that you hold that have nothing to do with her. If it had nothing to do with you, if you knew of your innocence and Divine lovability, you could look upon your mother with compassion, noticing that she seemed incapable of loving herself, as someone who drank to hide from her negative thoughts and feelings. You might have compassion for the projections that she aimed at those around her – not that it is your responsibility to heal or change her, but to feel love and support for her despite what she was doing to herself. The inability to spontaneously react in such a fashion happened because as a child you bought into and believed in the reflections your mirror was showing to you. You thought that you were guilty and deserved punishment. You believed you were not worthy of love. Now it is time to look at the truth of all of this. You have been holding those beliefs since childhood. What do you think you are guilty of?
Participant: I don’t know.
What did your mother say you were guilty of when you were young? Why were you punished?
Participant: I caused all of her problems.
Can you be more specific?
Participant: She told me that before me she had a son, but he died. Then I appeared. The death was my fault, she told me. Everything that happened was my fault. I, along with my sisters, destroyed her life. I don’t know what she meant specifically, but we were always judged.
Let me ask a few simple questions. Did you choose for your brother to die? Do you remember doing that? Were you responsible for that?
Participant: No.
So, you have believed this thought that came from outside of you, that you are responsible for your brother’s death. But it just happened, in fact it happened before this body that you are connected with had even formed. Notice how you have accepted this untruth, and allowed it to drive your life. You have accepted the judgment and guilt for something you had nothing to do with. Connected with this is the thought that you must be a really bad person to have done such a thing. Notice that those thoughts are there. Notice the feelings that surround them. But let go of the thought that they are true, that you have any responsibility there.
Another question. Do you remember choosing to be born to this mother? Do you have that memory?
Participant: I understand that I have chosen this, but I don’t know what I have to learn here.
But do you recall actually choosing this or is it just a belief that you have done so?
Participant: I don’t remember that I chose this.
Then could we just say that this birth happened? This was not a choice. It just happened. If this was not your choice you cannot be responsible for ruining anybody’s life. We would suggest that you aren’t that powerful. Not only do you have no power over your mother or your brother’s lives, but you have no control over your own. If you were choosing your mother, would she be an alcoholic who beat you? Your ego mind is giving you powers that you don’t have. They are simply not true.
Participant: Why am I thinking I am responsible then?
You were taught this as a child. This is no different than having a parent tell you that you have to work hard and make sacrifices to get ahead in life. As an adult you still believe many things you were taught as a child. What matters is not that she said what she said, but that you believed it and your life is still run by that. As we have looked at this, the belief is craziness. You can’t possibly be responsible. However, perhaps behind all of this it could be that you brought that guilt in with you. Perhaps you had previously accepted that you were guilty, judged, and deserving of punishment, that you brought all that into this life with you. Can that be the truth of you? If everything is of God, how could you be less than Divine? How can God create anything that is not of love? These are questions to investigate deeply. Everything that comes into your life is from God; it is not your choice. It is there to help you realize the truth of yourself. It is a gift. Your job is to accept these gifts; accept what is rather than wishing it was some other way. You had exactly the perfect mother. She was what she was and she wasn’t what she wasn’t. She was the right mother to support you in your awakening process. You have no control over any of this, but that is good. If you could choose whatever you wanted, you wouldn’t know what to choose. It is being done for you. Relax and enjoy the ride. You are always supported in realizing what your heart truly desires.
There can be a process of forgiveness for yourself. You can forgive yourself for self judgment over your brother’s death and ruining your mother’s life. Forgive yourself for believing that you deserved punishment.
Participant: I have to forgive myself. I have been destroying myself and creating suffering all of these years because of these beliefs.
Allow yourself to feel what it would be like to know that you are absolutely innocent of everything. You can be free of all the pain and suffering right now because nobody is doing that to you but you. Nobody has the power to stop you from letting it all go.
Good Now
Sanhia/Spirit
